Yesterday was The Bell House’s Guactastic, Guacaliscious, Guacultimate Guactacular! There was a lot of guac. Are you disgusted by the word “guac” yet? I think I might be.

If you’re not familiar with The Bell House, it’s basically Gowanus’s best venue for weird and fun events (such as TV parties, “My So-Called Prom,” Chili Cook-Offs, etc), as well as a bar/lounge for the usual weeknight casual drinking and schmoozing. You’re probably like, “Gowanus? Won’t I get cancer if I go there?” And the answer is yes, but it’s worth it because The Bell House is great. They sell Original Sin cider on draft and have lots of comfy chairs & couches, so I’m sold.

And I like to think Gowanus is on the way up, much like another once-shitty neighborhood you may have heard of called “Williamsburg,” and that one day we’ll all be swimming in a crystal-clear canal that isn’t a toxic milkshake of spilled sewage and decaying auto parts.

All that aside, let’s get to the fucking guac, shall we?

And a lot of fucking guac there was, friends! You’ll have to pardon the slight blurriness and noisiness of some of the photos, as it was dark in there, and eating guacamole tends to be a two-hand operation. I was trying tirelessly to hold my guac, hold my beer, and take pictures at the same time; it was an utter failure in the realm of multi-tasking. There are certain things I will sacrifice for my art, but beer and guac are not among them.

So the idea of this event (hosted in part by Nachos NY, a website dedicated to all things Nacho) was all the guac-making participants brought in their most win-worthy avocado creations, a bunch of jerks like me made the rounds eating it while also drinking and taking sloppy pictures, and then we (the jerks) judged the guac as if we had any business judging anything, ever. I put my vote toward #12, a fairly classic guacamole with balanced flavors that was just spot-on. But there was more here than your classic guac: competitors offered numerous other delicious and creative variations, including ones with mango & goat cheese, ones with bacon & slow-roasted tomatoes, and an “Egyptian” variety with hothouse cucumbers & fresh mint (one of my personal favorites!) And then there were these things:

You’re probably like, “What the effffffff that sounds gross!” But actually these things were great! I am going to steal this idea and make these at home, probably, maybe… one day.

So, many an avocado was destroyed and then enjoyed in the name of the Guactacular. But that’s not all! Allison Robicelli was also in attendance with some theme-y, delicious cupcakes.

Gosh, this lady is just great. Here she was, on Mother’s Day, selling wonderful cupcakes like a goddamn American hero.

Despite being absolute fatties, we ended up eating only two cupcakes, a Mango-Nut (coconut cake, caramelized mango buttercream, roasted coconut) and an El Guapo (sweet corn cake, cilantro lime buttercream). Both were orgasmic. The fake mustaches (ethnically offensive? Maybe. Hilarious? Also maybe) were compliments of Scout Mob. I’m saving them for a rainy day or maybe a trip to Taco Bell.

So you’re probably wondering, which guac won, for Chrissakes?! Well I don’t know! I was a little drunk and left before they announced the winner, but let’s just say I’m the winner for having pigged out on guacamole while spending absolutely zero time mashing avocados. Hooray!

The Bell House
149 7th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11215
(718) 643-6510

Robicelli’s
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